Our most recent blog post discussed radical acceptance and how it’s used. Not only in therapy but how it can be used in daily life. One important thing to keep in mind is that it is very different from toxic positivity. But sometimes it can be hard to understand that difference. This post will be focused on what exactly toxic positivity is. More importantly, we’ll discuss why it’s a bad thing.
So, What IS Toxic Positivity?
There’s being optimistic and then there’s toxic positivity. Optimism is good! It’s an adaptive response to difficult situations in our lives. A healthy dose of optimism can be what helps us get through things. However, optimism is not neglecting negative emotions or difficult feelings and thoughts.
Toxic positivity pushes a “good vibes only” mantra. It requires that we do not accept negative feelings and that we don’t let ourselves feel them. Difficult thoughts should be pushed away for “positive vibes”. We must “choose” happiness. Often this means not accepting that bad things happen and there is no positive spin to it. This is especially harmful when pushed on other people who are trying to confide in someone.
Why is it Considered Harmful?
By not accepting negative things, we put ourselves in a difficult space. This space does not honor our feelings about situations. It does not respect that not everything that happens to us is good or a “blessing in disguise”. Sometimes, bad things happen. And that’s it. Toxic positivity does not allow room for that.
When we’re not making room for our feelings, we’re bottling them up or pushing them away. This can contribute to long term depression or anxiety, which then gets exacerbated by the “good thoughts only!” and “choose happiness!” mantras.
It can also greatly impact human connection. Other people’s pain is uncomfortable. That’s just a fact. But the best thing you can do for someone you care about is to sit with them in that pain. Not cheer them up (unless that’s what they ask you for!), give them advice to get out of it (again, unless they ask), or tell them that “things happen for a reason” or “maybe there’s a silver lining to this”. Because often, there is no silver lining.
By not sitting in that pain, we are telling them their pain is unacceptable and a burden to us. This then forces them to bottle up what we can’t handle dealing with. This is not only unfair to them but can harm their mental health.
How Can I Respond Instead?
If it’s your own feelings, give yourself the space to feel them. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, disappointed, anxious, etc. You can still actively problem solve while feeling those feelings, if there is a solution to what’s causing you to feel like that. You need to remind yourself that you should embrace the human experience. And that means, the FULL human experience. Pain is part of that.
If it’s the feelings of a friend, remind them that you’re there for them. Tell them you’ll sit with them in their feelings. You’ll listen. You’ll be someone they can safely experience their pain with. Sometimes that is the greatest gift you can give to someone.