Growing up did you receive negative messages from your family and friends about sexual and gender identities they deemed to be outside the social norm?

After you moved away from your family home did you finally feel safe to identify with your true self and now you want to make sure your confidence in your identity doesn’t become diminished?

If either of these ring true to you, the following tips might be helpful for you navigating the holidays with family and friends.

Patience and Understanding

First, think about how much time it took you to decide and accept who you are as a person. Likely, expressing your true sexuality or gender identity took some time and consideration on your part. Remember how much time it took you to process who you were and come out to family and friends? Family and friends that have known you for a long time might need some time as well to process and accept your newly disclosed identity, as it may be brand-new information for them.

I came out as Transgender to my family around the age of 21 and unfortunately received less than supportive reactions from the majority of my family. However, about 8 years later, I finally found myself in a place where I felt accepted by most of my family and comfortable returning home for the holidays. Without the patience and understanding that I forced myself to practice throughout this transitional time, I wonder if I would still have a relationship with them right now. After all, it is important that as individuals we role model the actions and words that we expect from others. However, practicing patience and understanding is no easy feat, and should not be confused with allowance for disrespect. So then you ask what do I then do to ensure I receive respect from those around me? The answer is to set boundaries!

Setting Boundaries

So what are boundaries or what do boundaries look like? Boundaries are imaginary property lines set between you and others you interact with. It gives you the ability to separate your physical, mental, and emotional space from others, with the imaginary property line. Setting boundaries also give others around you a clear expectation of appropriate and inappropriate ways of interacting with you and defining what respecting you might look like.

So what do boundaries look like? This is a difficult question to answer as everyone’s boundaries look different. However, when deciding what boundaries you want to set you start by prioritize your needs and comfortability over those of others. It’s also important to determine within yourself what rigid boundaries (those you will not allow anyone to cross at any time for any reason) and those which we identify as soft boundaries (setting expectations for how others interact with you but leaving room for exceptions to the rule).

One boundary you might think about the setting is that you disclose your sexual or gender identity to whomever you choose, not who your family chooses. Early in my transition, I had a girlfriend, with whom I finally felt comfortable disclosing my gender identity. While processing this information she choose to disclose my gender identity to people in our lives. I was not ready to disclose that information. While I understand where she was coming from, this was very hurtful and difficult early on as I was in my most vulnerable state at the time.

That being said, it is important to consider what boundaries you might want to set prior to seeing family and friends during the holidays. However, these are important conversations prior to the day of, so they have time for processing and to be held accountable. This is not to say even the most accepting of friends are family might “slip up,” every now and again. However, you will quickly learn what are honest mistakes and what mistakes are intentional!

Self Care and Positive Affirmations

Holidays can be one of the most difficult times of the year for people who are part of the LGBTQIA community for a multitude of reasons. Although the holidays are been advertised as a time of being thankful and giving back to others, it’s important to give to yourself as well. Make sure that during the holiday season you are giving more to yourself as well. This might mean prioritizing your own self-care, (ie taking a nice bath, getting your hair done, seeing your therapist more frequently, or joining a local support group). Also, be mindful that self-care can look different for each person and does not have to look any particular way. Think about what makes you happy, what fuels your heart and soul, and what healthy thing makes it just that much easier when you have a bad day. Whatever your answer might be, that is your self-care! Self-care is always best coupled with positive affirmations. It can be difficult to be kind to yourself when the world can be an unkind place. Positive daily affirmations, although an awkward feeling at times, can definitely increase a person’s self-worth. By simply writing, saying, or acknowledging a positive quality about yourself daily, you will equip yourself with a little more armor to battle the world!

For me, some days self-care looks like a nap on the weekend, and for others, it’s taking an overnight trip to the mountains. And positive affirmations are an ongoing list on my phone to remind me of the qualities I like in myself. So what fuels your soul? What makes you who you are? What qualities are you proud of?

You have the Right to Celebrate the Holidays the Way in Which You Choose

Above all else, you choose where, when, and how you celebrate. If you don’t want to celebrate with this person or that person it is okay! You have a right to your own autonomy and to make your own choices. You are under no obligation to explain yourself to others either. Most importantly you have the right to enjoy your holiday the way you choose to! Happy Holiday Season!